What! NO RUM!
by The Book Collector
Summary: A series of random adventure of Captain Jack Sparrow and his crew. Justice shall be done. Go on read it! WARNING! May contain traces of UTTER MADNESS!
1. What! NO RUM!

HEY! Just to let you know I love POTC and I wrote this story in a moment of madness! R+R please! Enjoy!

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**Jack:** Are we headed for Tortuga?

**Gibbs:** That we be Captain!

**Jack:** Is that a yes?

**Gibbs:** Aye!

**Jack:** Good

**Gibbs:** Sir, now no need to cause alarm, but our supply of rum is almost dry!

**Jack:** WHAT?!

**Gibbs:** You know…the rum…it's almost gone!

**Jack:** We better get to port then!

**Gibbs:** RIGHT YOU LAZY SLOBS! GET TO WORK OR THEY'LL BE NO RUM!

**Jack:** Isn't that a bit harsh?

**Gibbs:** Do you _want_ the rum to run out?

**Jack:** NO - no! Carry on!

_A hard day of sailing later and the Black Pearl docks in Tortuga. Whilst the rest of the crew stock up on supplies (rum) Jack heads for a bar._

**Jack:** _Places a coin on the bar._ A bottle of rum an' be quick about it!

**Barmaid:** _Starts to laugh._ Rum? Sorry Sir, but we don't sell rum here!

**Jack:** _Nearly has a heart attack. _What are you talking about?

**Barmaid:** Haven't you heard?

**Jack:** Evidentially not.

**Barmaid:** Some woman, a think her name was Elizabeth Swan, ordered all the rum to be burnt!

**Jack:** And…?

**Barmaid:** There is no rum left in the world!

**Jack:** W…wh…what?! N…n-no rum?

**Barmaid:** NO rum!

**Jack:** I knew our relation ship wouldn't work!

**Barmaid:** What?

**Jack:** Elizabeth and I, we were in love! But I knew she wasn't the one for me!

**Barmaid:** JACK! Wake up!

**Jack:** _Looks confused._ But I am awake!

**Gibbs:** JACK!

**Jack:**_ Wakes up to find Gibbs and Will standing in front of him._ WAH! What's wrong?

**Gibbs:** There's been a tragedy.

**Jack:** And? What is it?

**Will:** It's Elizabeth!

**Jack:** What about 'er? Is she dead? …What's that smell?

**Will:** That's the tragedy!

**Jack:** It smells like…burning RUM!

**Will:** It is!

**Jack:** _Jumps from his hammock and runs on deck to find a large fire._ NOOOOOOOOOO! What are you doing?!

**Elizabeth:** Burning the rum!

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I would kill Elizabeth if she touched the rum! Never mind burnt it! Please Review! 


	2. White Fluff!

Hey! I wrote this fanfic after it had been snowing- hence the theme for the story - and I was particularly hyper! Read and enjoy!

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White Fluff**

**Jack:** _Picks up a bottle and places it to is lips._ Who stole my rum? _Gets up and topples over._ That's who! _Hears lots of shouting on deck and goes on deck to find Gibbs hanging upside down from the crows nest !_

**Gibbs:** Bless me Jack, help us down!

**Jack: **But you look so - pretty up there!

**Gibbs: **_Draws Jack a funny look._

**Will:** _Cuts the ropes holding Gibbs up!_

**Gibbs:** _Falls to the deck._

**Jack:** _Smirks to himself and tries to stop himself from laughing!_

**Gibbs: **As much obliged to being down as I am, Mr Turner, next time, just pull me back into the nest!

**Jack: **Is it just me or is it getting colder?

**Will:** It's getting colder!

**Jack:** Hm? No-one asked you boy!

**Will: **But you just asked - never mind!

**Jack:** _Draws Will a funny look. _

**One of the crew:** Captain! There seems to be a storm brewin'!

**Jack:** _Walks to the helm and looks to the sky._ Mr Gibbs!

**Gibbs:** Aye?

**Jack: **What's this - white fluff falling from the sky?

**Gibbs:** I don't know captain but I don't like it!

**Elizabeth:** _Appears from nowhere. Sighs._ It's snow!

**Jack:** What?

**Gibbs:** What did she say?

**Jack: **I don't know - wasn't listening!

**Will:** Snow!

**Jack: **Blow?

**Will:** No, snow!

**Jack: **Not blow?

**Will:** No! SNOW!

**Jack:** What is this snow?

**Will:** The 'fluff' falling from the sky!

**Jack:** But you said there was no snow?

**Will: **_Growls at Jack._

**Gibbs:** _Laughs at them._

**Elizabeth:** _Sighs and walks of back to her cabin._

**Jack:** So that's snow?

**Will:** YES!

**Jack:** Why didn't you say that the first time?

**Will:** But I did! ARGH! _Storms off._

**Gibbs:** So…snow.

**Jack:** _Grins._ That annoyed him!

**Gibbs:** So you do know what snow is?

**Jack:** Of course! It's FLUFF!

**Gibbs:** I think you've had _too much_ rum!

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Is there such a thing as too much rum? Please review! 


	3. Tia Dalma and the Cheese

Hey! Here to bring you another crazy fanfic! The idea for this one came from…well I have no idea! Hope you enjoy it! R+R please!

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Tia Dalma and the Cheese**

**Gibbs:** An' why ar we here?

**Jack:** Because I want to speak to her.

**Gibbs:** Pinch something from 'er, more like!

**Jack:** _Scowls at Gibbs._ I wouldn't do a thing like that! Would I?

**Gibbs:** Of course not!

**Jack:** _Grins mischievously_. As I have said before! Tia Dalma and I are old friends!

**Gibbs:** _Looks doubtful._ If you say - AGH!

**Tia Dalma:** Is something wrong?

**Jack:** No - not at all!

**Tia Dalma:** Jack Sparrow! Where is the gold necklace you stole from me last time?

**Jack:** I don't know what you are talking about!

**Tia Dalma:** I know of your nightmare and if I don't get that necklace back - no more rum!

**Jack:** _Eyes widen with shock!_ I have it right here! _Pulls Tia Dalma's necklace out of his pocket and places it in her hand._

**Tia Dalma:** Thank ye Jack. _Smiles evilly._

**Jack: **So Tia Dalma, what can you tell me about cheese?

**Gibbs:** _Looks at Jack with a weird expression._

**Tia Dalma:** Cheese?

**Jack: **You know - made with milk and what not!

**Tia Dalma:** You came all the way here to ask me about cheese?

**Jack:** _Grins at them._

**Tia Dalma:** _Looks at Jack._ Well…cheese is a food. Mice like it. And well…

**Gibbs:** So why did you want to know about cheese?

**Jack:** Does it taste nice?

**Tia Dalma:** I…I think so.

**Jack:** Thanks! _Smiles and places his hand in his pocket._

**Tia Dalma:** And I will have my things back!

**Jack:** What things? _Tries to act innocent._

**Tia Dalma:** My rings, box of coins…and the necklace!

**Jack:** _Groans and empties Tia Dalma's things out of his pockets._ There ye go!

_Gibbs and Jack go to walk out the door. Tia Dalma stops them and calls them back in._

**Tia Dalma:** Here ye go Jack! You wanted to take something so there!_ Pushed a small bundle towards Jack._

**Jack:** What is it?_ Take it from Tia Dalma and shakes it._

**Tia Dalma:** Open it!_ Grins evilly._

**Jack:**_Looks at Tia Dalma curiously and open the bundle._ What the hell is this?

**Tia Dalma:** You wanted to know about cheese, so that's cheese!

**Jack:** Cheese?

**Gibbs:** _Laughs to himself. _Now you can taste it captain!

**Jack:** Shut-it! Well we better be going! Thanks for the cheese!

**Tia Dalma:** Jack!

**Jack:** Yes?

**Tia Dalma: **You know I don't give things away for free!

**Jack:** And what do you want as payment?

**Tia Dalma:** How's about a kiss?

**Jack:** _Runs from Tia Dalma's house screaming (With the cheese still at hand.)_

**Gibbs:** _Laughs hilariously. _

**Tia Dalma:** _Looks to Gibbs and smiles._

**Gibbs:** Wait for me Jack! And don't loose that cheese!

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WTF? Okay that was random! Don't know why I wrote that! Please Review! 


	4. The Revenge of Thee Cheese

Hey! This is the sequel to 'Tia Dalma and the Cheese'. R+R please! Enjoy!

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The Revenge of Thee Cheese!**

_As the crew of the Black Pearl sleep soundly in their hammocks a deadly foe rots in their cargo hold…_

**Gibbs:** What is that smell?!

**Pintel: **It wasn't us!

**Ragetti:** I couldn't be too sure bout that!

**Gibbs:** Hmm…back to sleep you fowl rats!

**Jack:** _Waiting patiently for the men to fall back asleep before he sneaks down to the cargo hold for some rum. _A-ha! _Seizes the opportunity and creeps down to the cargo hold. _One - the bottles empty - second time - still empty!

_There is a sudden scurrying of feet. Jack spins around but there is no-one there! _

**Jack:** Odd?!

**Scary voice:** Hello Jack.

**Jack:** WAAAAHHHHH!!!

**Scary voice:** What's wrong Jack?

**Jack:** Wh - who are you?

**Scary voice:** I am Thee Cheese! **_DUN DUN DUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!_**

**Jack:** Thee Cheese?

**Thee Cheese:** Yes I am Thee Cheese!

**Jack:** And why are you haunting my ship?

**Thee Cheese:** Because I want you to eat me!

**Jack:** You want me to eat you?

**Thee Cheese:** You heard correctly!

**Jack:** But I don't like cheese!

**Thee Cheese:** EAT ME!

**Jack:** NEVER!

**Thee Cheese:** _Starts to try and bite Jack's ankles._

**Jack:** You crazy cheese! _Tries to stab Thee Cheese with a feather!_ This isn't working!

**Thee Cheese: **Your feathers cannot harm me! I am made of dairy goodness!

**Jack:** ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!

_After several moment of being chased by Thee Cheese, Jack manages to escape and barricade the door to the cargo hold._

**Gibbs:** Shiver me timbers Jack! What was all that noise?

**Jack:** Its that cheese! The one _she_ gave us! It is ALIVE!

**Gibbs:** Jack…

**Jack:** If you don't believe me, go down there and fight it!

**Gibbs:** _Sighs and walks down into the cargo hold._

**Jack:** Is it still there?

**Gibbs:** WAAAAHHHH!

**Jack:** Well?

**Gibbs:** I'll lock the door, you get the gun! We'll shoot the little bitter!

**Jack:**_ Nods and runs off to get the gun. Hurriedly come back to find Pintel and Ragetti eating something smelly._What are eating?

**Ragetti:** Cheese, I thinks it's called!

**Pintel:** It's rather tasty! OW! Me eye!

**Jack:** _Notices the cheese beginning to swell and backs off._

**Gibbs:** Where are ye going?

**Jack:** _Thee Cheese gets up and runs at him. _ARGH!

**Gibbs:** Sometimes I wonder about him!

**Will:** What is going on down here…_Thee Cheese swallows Will_

**Gibbs:** I suppose we better get him out of there!

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Hope you liked that! Please review! Don't worry! Thee Cheese will not come after you if you eat its cousins!


	5. Mother Comes to Tea

**A/N:** Hey! I really feel sorry for Jack in this one and I am sure there are times when your mothers embarrass you! I know mines embarrasses me! R+R please! Enjoy!

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Mother Comes to Tea**

_Jack has docked at Tortuga with the rest of the crew. He is sitting in a bar waiting for his rum to arrive!_

**Jack:** So where are we heading next?

**Gibbs:** Where ever you want captain!

**Jack:** Well I suppose we could wait here for a day or two!

**Gibbs:** Aye, I'm sure we could!

_An old lady waves to Jack and begins to walk towards them._

**Gibbs:** Whose that?

**Jack:** I don't know but she is coming our way! _Tries to keep smiling._

**Gibbs:** Oh - no!

**Jack:** What is it?

**Gibbs:**It's her!

**Jack:** Tia Dalma? She must have put on weight!

**Gibbs:** No! Your mother!

**Jack:** _Stops breathing and falls off his chair. _

_Will comes over, helps him onto his seat again and sits down next to them_

**Will:** What's wrong with you two?

**Gibbs:** Let's just say - two Sparrows in one place is too much for people to handle!

**Will:** What?

**Gibbs:** _Looks over to Jack's mother and back again._

**Will:** What?!

**Jack:** My mother, is over there!

**Will:** _Eyes widen as he spots her and turns back to Jack and Gibbs._ She's a big woman!

**Jack:** Are you insulting my mother?

**Will:** No…I was just saying - !

**Jack's Mum:** Jacky pie!

**Jack:** _Clunks his head down on the table._

**Gibbs:** _Can't help but laugh to himself._

**Will:** _Tries to control his laughter._

**Jack's Mum:** How is my ickle wickle Jacky poo?

**Will and Gibbs:** _Begin to cry with laughter. _

**Jack:** _Pretends to cry and growls at Will and Gibbs._ Mother, you said you wouldn't call me that, twenty years ago!

**Jack's Mum:** Am I not allowed to call you Jacky dumbling either?

**Jack:** No you can't!

**Will:** Hi, I'm Will! I didn't know you were ickle wickle Jacky's mother!

**Jack's Mum:** Oh yes! Nice to meet you! Gibbykins!

**Gibbs:** _Goes white and stops laughing. _

**Jack's Mum:** I didn't recognise you there Gibbykins! Come here you two! _Grabs Jack and Gibbs and hugs them._ Now what does a big woman need to do to get a cup of tea around here?

**Will:** Well you certainly are big!_ Will says under his breath._

_Gibbs and Jack go even whiter as Jack's Mum hears what Will has said._

**Jack's Mum:** You got that right Willy nilly!

**Gibbs and Jack:**_ Fall to the floor in laughter._

**Jack's Mum:** Come on you two! Off the floor!

_Will gets a pot of tea and accidentally spills it over Jack's Mum._

**Will:** I am so sorry mam!

**Jack's Mum:** It's alright! I'll get that later!A-he-he-he!

**Jack, Gibbs and Will:** _Looks really scared!_

**Jack:** Mother! You are going to miss the play at the - erm - bar! How bout you go watch it whilst we get more tea?

**Jack's Mum:** That would be very kind Jacky pie!_ Goes off to watch play._

**Jack:** Ready! RUN FOR IT!

_The three men run for the door! Jack's Mum spots them and tries to run after them but trips up._

**Jack's Mum:** Jacky pie! Gibbykins! Wait up! And there better be no rum on that ship of yours!

_Jack and Gibbs look at each other and nod before casting off. Jack's Mum runs after them and lands in the water!_

**Jack:** FASTER! She's gaining on us!

**Thee Cheese:** Hello - ARGH!

_Jack throws Thee Cheese over board and hits his mum on the head. The Black Pearl sails off believing it is free from the mother and Thee Cheese. But is it really that way?_

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Poor, poor Jack! Please Review!

Thanks!


	6. Clocks and Croissants!

**A/N:** The idea for this one came from my little brothers (they are twins aka **_living hell_**!) so read and enjoy! Please review afterwards if it wouldn't trouble you too much!

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**Clocks and croissants**

_Elizabeth is sitting eating her dinner when Will walks in…_

**Elizabeth:** Hello Will.

**Will:** _Grunts as he rakes through drawers._

**Elizabeth:** Is that all you can say?

**Will:** Mhu.

**Elizabeth:** _Throws a croissant at him._

**Will:** What was that for?

**Elizabeth:** So you can speak! Goodnight! _Storms away to her bed and leaves Will to find whatever he was searching for._

**Will:** What?! Okay, your gone!

_Jack picks the wrong moment to come in, AS USUAL! _

**Jack:** No, I'm right here! Unless this is the dream where I open that door and there will be a giant clock behind it!

**Will:** _Looks puzzled, then worried, then slowly walks away from Jack._

**Jack:** What? It is a scary clock!

**Will:** I'm sure it is!

**Jack:** _Edges over to the door and yanks it open. _A-HA!

_There is nothing there!_

**Will:** _Runs on deck with a croissant tangled in his hair._

**Gibbs:** Are you saving that for later, Mr Turner?

**Will:** What?

**Gibbs:** The hair accessory…

**Will: **Oh - right - no!

**Jack:** AAAAAHHHH! _Comes running from the cabin onto the deck. He ducks down behind Gibbs and peers round his legs._

**Gibbs:** What ar ye doin' Jack?

**Jack:** They - they're back!

**Will:** Whose back?

_The sound of high heeled footsteps resounds around the ship. Everyone tenses. The footsteps grow louder and louder. A shadow appears in the doorway…_

We're back!

**Jack and Gibbs:** _Realise who it is!_ NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Jacks Mother:** Did you really think that you could get rid of me Jacky Poo? And you Gibbykins!

**Jack:** No mother!

**Gibbs:** No Mrs Sparrow!

**Thee Cheese:** And we brought reinforcements with us!

_From the shadows comes…a giant clock……with its infernal ticking!_

**Jack:** NOOOO! This can't be happening!

**Elizabeth:** What is going on up here? _See Jack's mother, Thee Cheese and the giant clock and laughs._ Are you scared of a clock Jack?

**Jack:** No, that's Will's greatest fear…ARGH! _Glances down to see Thee Cheese nibbling at his leg._

**Elizabeth:** _Picks up Thee Cheese and places it on a croissant._

**Thee Cheese:** What are you doing? No! Help!

**Elizabeth:** _Goes to take a bite out of Thee Cheese! _

**Gibbs:** N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! _Runs in slow motion towards her._

**Will:** _Begins to scream._

**Gibbs:** _Grabs Thee Cheese from Elizabeth, but it is too late! She had already taken a bite!_

**Jack:** Thee Cheese!_ Cradles Thee Cheese in his arms!_ Why? WHY?!

**Thee Cheese:** Jack…it's getting dark!

**Jack:** No, don't go! Don't leave us!

**Thee Cheese:** Don't forget……my dairy goodness…!

_Jack begins to cry as Thee Cheese dies. Everyone on the ship turns and stares at Elizabeth in disbelief and with murderous looks._

**Elizabeth:** It was only a bit of cheese! _She shrugs._

**Will:** Only a bit of cheese?! No! This was - THEE CHEESE!

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Thee Cheese! NOOOOOOOOOOO! Sniff - sniff Do not worry! Revenge shall be taken on Elizabeth! 


	7. Trial For The MURDERER!

**A/N:** Okay, prepare yourself, JUSTICE SHALL BE DONE …

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**Trial for the MURDERER!!**

_The crew of the Black Pearl have not been right since…since the accident. They have nearly arrived in Port Royal._

**Will:** I can't believe we are doing this!

**Jack:** I can! _Smiles mischievously._

**Will:** It was an accident!

**Jack and Gibbs:** _Accident?! _**ACCIDENT? **SHE KILLED THEE CHEESE!

**Jack:** MURDERED!

**Gibbs: **SLAUGHTERED!

**Will:** Okay, okay I get the picture!

**Jack:** BRING OUT THE MURDERER!!!!!!!

_There is a beating of drums and two men come marching from the Pearl carrying Elizabeth._

**Elizabeth:** PUT ME DOWN OR THERE WILL BE…!

_The men drop Elizabeth roughly to the ground._

**Gibbs:** Today we are here to decide what should happen to the slayer of Thee Cheese!

_Crowd that have appeared from nowhere cheer._

**Jack:** Elizabeth Swan, you are charged with the murder of Thee Cheese, being a pain in the arse, trying to kill me and BURNING THE RUM!!!!

**Gibbs:** How do you plead?

**Elizabeth:** What? May I say something…

**Jack: **NO!

**Elizabeth:** _Scowls._ …Anyway - 1; it was a piece of cheese, 2; I am NOT a pain in the arse and 3; I was only trying to save the rest of us!

**Gibbs:** SILENCE!! The jury will decide your fate…

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

_Several………………………………...hours...later…_………………………………………………

………………………………………………………………………………

**Gibbs:** _Walks back to the front of crowd after speaking with jury. _The jury find Miss Elizabeth Swan - GUILTY - of all the above crimes!

**Jack:** Your punishment shall be…TO BE EATEN ALIVE BY THE KRAKEN!

**Elizabeth:** WHAT?!?!?!?!?!??!?!

**Jack:** TAKE HER TO THE BEASTIE!!!!!

_Pintel and Ragetti grab Elizabeth and drag her to the docks._

**Will:** JACK! Are you mad? You can't…

**Jack:** Oh yes I can! _Waves to Pintel and Ragetti. _FEEDING TIME!

**Will:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

**Elizabeth:** HELP ME!!!!!

_Kraken opens it mouth and prepares for dinner._

**Jack and Gibbs:** _Laughing maliciously._

_Elizabeth is held ever closer to the Kraken…_

**Will:** ELIZABETH!!!!

**Elizabeth:** WILL!!!!

**Gibbs:** JACK!!!!

**Jack:** GIBBS!!!!

**Will:** Jack please don't!

**Jack:** _Smiles mischievously._ STOP!!!! The pain in the arse shall live!

**Elizabeth:** THANK YOU JACK!!!!

**Jack:** But on one condition…

**Elizabeth:** Which is?

**Jack:** NO MORE BURNING RUM OR KILLING THEE CHEESE!

**Elizabeth:** I shall always burn rum!

**Jack:** TO THE BEASTIE!!!!!

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Hehehehehehehe!! 


	8. Birthday Celebrations

**A/N:** Okay, mwhahahahahahaha….

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**Birthday Celebrations**

_After the attempt to kill Elizabeth, Jack hears that it is a good friend of his birthday, and Gibbs has made a cake…_

**Gibbs:** Do you think he'll like it?

**Jack:** I don't see why not!

**Gibbs:** It's just that I thought fish cake was an odd kind of birthday cake.

**Jack:** It tastes fine to me! _Pulls out his telescope._ Ah, I see his ship now!

**Gibbs:** Good, his cake is getting old and eaten!

**Jack:** _Waving like a lunatic - _Hey! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

**Captain of ship: **Hmm…Jack Sparrow!

**Jack:** May we come aboard? We have cake…and rum!

**Gibbs:** _Whispers to Jack_.We have cake - we drank the rum!

**Jack:** Tell a lie, we only have cake!

**Captain of ship: **I suppose…

**Jack:** Excellent!

_The crew of the black pearl (including Elizabeth who was disappointingly not fed to the Kraken) traipse aboard the other ship where the birthday boy is waiting._

**Will:** Jack.

**Jack:** Yep?

**Will:** That's…

**Jack:** Jonesi boy! Happy birthday! Mr Gibbs - the cake if you will!

**Gibbs:** _Pushes the cake towards Davy Jones._ Made it myself using the finest fishy ingredients!

**Davy Jones:** I suppose I am meant to thank you for this?

**Jack:** Ah but wait! _Turns to the crew_. Presents people!

_The crew all stretch out their arms with presents on their hands._

**Davy Jones:** Well Sparrow…I must say you have made me feel all warm inside!

**Jack:** Hold on…Barbossa! _A very disgruntled looking Barbossa appears and light the candles on the birthday cake._ And a one - and a two -

**The whole crew:** Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Davy! Happeeee birthday toooooo you…!

**Davy Jones:** _Looks angrily at everyone_. Don't call me Davy!

**Jack:** Okay…Davy…

**Davy Jones:** Thank you all for all these treasures! Now get of my ship or I'll set the Kraken on you!

**Jack:** Right…RUN!!!!

_As the crew run to the Pearl, Davy Jones sits down and enjoys his cake. Gibbs and Jack steer the ship away before he can summon the Kraken._

**Jack:** Phew! That was close!

**Gibbs:** Too close…is it just me or is it quieter around here?

**Jack:** No it's quieter!

**Will:** We've left Elizabeth on the Flying Dutchman!

**Jack:** Oh dear! We shall need to return and get her…

**Gibbs:** …Next year.

**Jack:** Just in time for Davy's birthday!

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A/N: **Okay, its kinda short but oh-well! Hope you enjoyed it! 


	9. Hugs

**A/N:** Just to warn you all - I have NO idea where this story came from, it just sort-a wrote itself! So…ENJOY!!!

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**_**Hugs**

_After a long discussion with Will, Jack kidnaps a woman counsellor to help him with his - erm - problems…_

**Counsellor:** So you are saying the clock came out of the closet and tried to eat you?

**Jack:** A giant clock!

**Counsellor:** A - _giant_ - clock. Now was there anything noticeable about the clock?

**Jack:** Err…it was big…? No! It had Elizabeth written on it!

**Counsellor: **_Sighs. _Ah! Now we are getting somewhere! So who is Elizabeth?

**Jack:** She's Will's wife…_whispers a curse under his breath._

**Counsellor:** And you dislike her because…?

**Jack:** _Look of horror_. She burns rum!

**Counsellor:** I see now. You are scared of the clock because you are scared of Elizabeth!

**Jack:** What?! I'm not scared of her, I'm _scared_ of the clock.

**Counsellor:** I think not my boy.

**Jack:** _Mumbling to himself._

**Counsellor:** And I think you should stop drinking rum…

**Jack:** _Begins to shout_. That is it! I can put up with the rubbish about being scared of Elizabeth, but stop drinking rum - that goes **_too_** far!

**Counsellor:** _Looks shocked_.Why not stop? It's a disgusting drink!

**Jack:** She put you up to this didn't she?

**Counsellor:** She might have…

**Jack:** _Shouts_. Mr Gibbs!

_There is a scurry of movement on deck and Gibbs comes rushing in._

**Gibbs:** Aye captain?

**Jack:** _Grins evilly_. Bring it down here please.

**Gibbs:** Certainly captain!_ Smiles before rushing off_.

**Counsellor:** Bring what down here?

**Jack:** Just you wait and see!

_-------------------------------------------------------------------------Moments later-------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**Gibbs:** Here's the box captain!

**Jack:** Excellent! Release them!

**Gibbs:** _Slowly opens the lid of the box…_

**Counsellor:** NO! Please don't!

**Gibbs:** _Opens the box and stands well back._

**Jack:** Say hello to my friend…_dark shadow rises out of the box_…THEE - CHEESE - JUNIOR! **_Dun - dun - dun!! _**

**Thee Cheese Jr:** Hello there!

**Jack:** Now counsellor. Tell me if Elizabeth and Will set me up or I will set Thee Cheese Junior on you!

**Counsellor:** _Gulps_. They…

**Jack:** Go on.

**Counsellor:** …They did! I'm not a counsellor, I'm - _whips off her hair_ - Commodore Norrington!

**Jack:** James - James. You let her convince you to put on a dress - that rather suits you might I say, pink is definitely your colour - but to think a man like you has stooped so low!

**Norrington:** I know, it's just that she promised to give me a hug if I did it!

**Jack:** _Looks sympathetically at him_. Poor James!

**Gibbs:** You know captain, the best way to solve problems is with a hug.

**Jack:** Yes…Follow me!

_The three men (and Thee Cheese Junior) all follow Jack on deck_.

**Jack:** Right men! GROUP HUG!!

_All of the crew rush forward and hug Norrington_.

**Norrington:** AH!! HELP!! SAVE ME! _Runs away from the crew who chase his around the ship. They eventually catch him and give him a BIG hug_.

**Jack:** That's that taken care of!

**Gibbs:** What about Elizabeth?

**Jack:** _Picks up Thee Cheese Jr_.I have just the thing for her. _Walks away laughing manically…_

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**A/N:** Just to let you know that Tia Dalma gave Jack - Thee Cheese Jr - as she thought it would be best off with Jack. 

I must apologize if this is not up to the usual level of madness but what can you do? Hope you enjoyed!!


	10. Into The Cave

**A/N:** Okay…I like dragons alot so this is why Jack meets one so please R&R!!

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**Into the Cave**

**Jack:** Are you sure the treasure's in here?

**Tia Dalma:** Of course I'm sure! _Smiled evilly._ So in you go!

**Jack:** Come-on Mr Gibbs.

**Gibbs:** _Sighs._ Comin'. _Mutters under his breath_ - why does it always have to be me?

**Jack:** What?

**Gibbs:** Nothin' nothing'!

_The two men set off into the cave, whilst Tia Dalma waits outside. _

_As they go deeper and deeper into the cave it grows darker. Jack and Gibbs become nervous as the cave goes on._

_**Growl!**_

_**Rumble!**_

**Jack:** If your hungry you should have eaten something before you came!

**Gibbs:** That wasn't me! There's somethin' in this cave.

**Jack:** Ah - yes, I knew that!

**Gibbs:** Of course you did captain!

**Jack:** _Looks shiftily at Gibbs._ Since you're first mate, on you go ahead.

**Gibbs:** What? Why can't you go?

**Jack:** Cause I'm the captain! If get eaten then - well it would be terrible!

**Gibbs:** _Growls softly._ As you wish captain.

_Gibbs walks cautiously on ahead. There is a loud scream and a flash of light as Gibbs comes running back._

**Jack: **What's wrong?

**Gibbs:** _Puffing and panting,_ A bloody great beast came charging at me!

**Jack:** Did you see any treasure?

**Gibbs:** What?!

**Jack:** Treasure - gold and shiny stuff?

**Gibbs:** Aye, I saw it just before it tried to ROAST ME ALIVE!!

**Jacks:** So there is treasure…

**Gibbs:** AND A FIRE BREATHIN' BEASTIE!

**Jack:** _Waves his hand dismissively,_ How bad can it be?

_Gibbs cringes as Jack disappears around the corner._ _He counts to ten and sure enough Jack comes racing back round with a look of terror on his face._

**Jack:** Okay - I get your point!

**Gibbs:** _Smirks smugly._

**Jack:** I have a plan…_whispers to Gibbs_ … if one of us attacks it and the other grabs some treasure then…

**Gibbs:** Wait a second. Who's doing the attacking and who's getting the treasure?

**Jack:** Well…

**Gibbs:** Rock, paper, scissors? Winner grabs the treasure?

**Jack:** On three…one - three!

_Gibbs chooses scissors and Jack chooses rock._

**Jack:** Yes! Good luck mate!

**Gibbs:** _Growls and draws his sword._ Dragon - here we come!

_To be continued…_

* * *

**A/N:** Mwhahahahaha! 


	11. DRAGON!

**A/N:** Just to let you know that there is a small bit of a movie crossover here!! Enjoy!!

* * *

**DRAGON!!! **

**Jack: **Okay…go!

_Jack pushed Gibbs round the corner and dashes after him. Gibbs runs at the dragon and Jack heads for the treasure._

**Gibbs:** TAKE THAT! AND THAT!_ Trying to stab the dragon but failing _**_miserably_**

_**Dragon:** What are you doing little man?_

**Gibbs:** You'll never eat me!!

_**Dragon:** I have no intention of eating you! Flicks Gibbs with one of its claws._

**Gibbs:** Ouch! That hurt! _Begins to cry._

Saphira! What did you do to that poor man?

_**Saphira:** He started it! And don't snap at me Eragon!_

**Eragon:** I'll snap if I want to!

_Gibbs slowly backs away as the dragon and the boy continue to argue. He make his way over to the mountain of treasure where Jack is laughing and rolling about in the gold._

**Gibbs:** DRAGON!! _Points behind Jack._

**Jack:**_ Panicking, _AHHH! Where?!

**Gibbs:** _Rolling on the floor laughing._

**Jack:** That wasn't funny!

**Gibbs:** Oh - sorry Captain. _still laughing._

**Jack:** _Scowls._ I hope the dragon eats you!!

_Gibbs chuckles to himself and walks over to Jack_

**Jack:** Ouch! What the hell…?

_Jack slowly pulls on a piece of dark blue material and an old man wearing leather appears from under the gold._

**Gibbs:** Who're you?

**Old Man:** I am Brom - have you seen a small boy with blonde hair (_Eragon should have brown hair!_) that looks about two?

**Gibbs:** Does he have a dragon by any chance?

**Brom:** Yes. Well?

**Gibbs:** He's over there --

**Brom:** Ah - thank you…ERAGON!!!

_Brom storms off to find Eragon. Jack and Gibbs follow him out of curiosity._

_Jack looks from Saphira to Gibbs with a large grin on his face._

**Gibbs:** What are ye thinkin' Captain?

**Jack:** You know a dragon could come in handy…

_Jack and Gibbs grin evilly and run at the dragon. The scramble up its leg, making sure they have still got their gold, and sit on its back._

**Jack:** Fly my pretty - FLY!

**Gibbs:** _kicks the back of Saphira's leg and she races towards the entrance of the cave. _

_They fly past Tia Dalma and head for The Pearl. As they fly away from the island they can hear someone shouting._

**Eragon:** They stole Saphira! What am I going to do now?

**Brom:** Well, I did tell you to - _starts to sing_ - BE PREPARED!!!

**Eragon:** NOOOO!

_Saphira lands on the deck of the Pearl (no-one knows how) Jack and Gibbs leap from her back and start to throw treasure about. _

_**Saphira:** Ah free at last…please don't make me go back to that stupid boy!_

**Jack:** _looks to Gibbs._ You can stay - but only if you do one little favour for us!

_**Saphira:** Anything!_

**Jack:** _Grins evilly and walks towards Saphira…_

_----------------------------------------------------------------------------A While Later -----------------------------------------------------------------_

_**Saphira:** Oh Elizabeth…_

**Elizabeth:** Yes...AH!

_

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_

**A/N:** Well I hope you like it!! Shall update ASAP!


	12. Capture

**Capture**

**Gibbs:** DUCK!!

**Jack:** Where? _Frantically looks about._

**Gibbs:** No - _**duck!**_

**Jack:** Oh right - whoa!

_The pair take cover as they hear gunfire. They slowly peer of the back rail of the ship to find the Dauntless catching on them._

**Jack:** What do they want?

**Gibbs:** I doubt they want to talk nicely…

_A cannon ball whizzes past them and narrowly misses The Pearl._

**Jack:** You could have hurt someone with that you manic! _Jack yells, waving his fist at the Dauntless._

_Another cannon ball whizzes past his head._

**Jack:** Right - that's it. Stop the ship!

**Gibbs:** _Draws Jack a strange look._ What?

**Jack:** You heard! STOP THE SHIP!!

**Gibbs:** O-kay…Drop the anchor! _The crew all stop and look at him oddly._ You heard me right - let's stop this ship!

_This dismayed crew shake their heads and quickly get to work. Jack stands glaring at the Dauntless._

**Elizabeth:** Jack! What are you doing? We can out run them…

**Jack:** We could but I've had enough of this chasing us around the world until the rum runs out and I want to throw you over board, _mutters to himself_, although that's not the bad part.

**Elizabeth:** They'll kill us…

**Jack:** Well woop-tae-do!

**Elizabeth:** Gibbs - stop him.

**Gibbs:** I can't, once he's got somethin' in his mind there's no stopin' him.

**Elizabeth:** _Growls and storms off._

_Jack grins as the Pearl stops and the Dauntless slowly draws alongside them._

**Norrington:** What are you doing - you're supposed to be fleeing!

**Jack:** Not anymore! I am sick of you and your stupid fleet chasing us around the globe. I want you to stop or I'll… send Elizabeth over to you.

**Elizabeth: **_Calls from the distance._ WHAT?!

**Norrington:** _Falls silent._

**Jack: **Well?

**Norrington:** I'm sorry but I can't.

**Jack:** Then let's get this over and done with. FIRE!

_The Pearl's guns begin to shoot at the Dauntless._

**Norrington:** Prepare to board! We'll take them back to be hung!

_The two ships fire at each other until the soldiers start to board the Pearl. Jack, Gibbs and Marty hurry over to the Dauntless and begin to fight. Jack seeks out Norrington and the two sword fight until Norrington knocks Jack's sword out his hand._

**Norrington:** Well - well. Not so cocky now - are we?

**Jack:** Stop pointing that thing at me. You could take my eye out!

**Norrington:** _Laughs as Will, Elizabeth and the rest of the Pearl's crew are brought aboard._ Looks like you'll be joining for a hanging.

**Jack:** That's what you said last time and - here I stand…

**Norrington:** Lock him up!

_Two soldiers grab Jack and drag him down to the cells. They toss him in with Gibbs, Marty and Mr Cotton. Elizabeth and Will sit scowling in the cage opposite._

**Elizabeth:** This is all your fault Jack!

**Jack:** Oh shut up. If it wasn't for your mouth your brain would function.

**Elizabeth:** _Sits gob-smacked, her chin almost hitting the floor._

**Gibbs:** So what are we going to do Captain?

**Jack: **Don't worry. I have a plan.

**Elizabeth:** Oh goody, don't you think you've done enough damage already with your ideas?

**Jack:** Have you ever heard the concept of silence?

**Elizabeth:** Yes - very funny…

**Jack:** Wait - do you hear that.

_Everyone falls silent._

**Elizabeth:** What?

**Jack:** It was the sound of you being quiet!

**

* * *

**

**A/N:** This is the second last chapter so I hope you enjoyed it! =D


	13. One Last Adventure

**A/N:** So dear readers - this is the final chapter of WNR. For some this will be a happy occasion for others a sad one, but do not be sad. The madness lives on… Enjoy the last adventure of Captain Jack Sparrow!

* * *

**One Last Adventure**

_The situation isn't looking to great for our favourite captain. Jack sits whistling to himself as he and Mr Gibbs share a cell in Port Royal._

**Gibbs:** Well Captain, looks like this is goodbye.

**Jack:** _Smirks_. It's been fun mate.

**Gibbs:** I wouldn't have it any other way - rum, sailing and narrow escapes.

**Jack:** _Looks around and spots the guard by the door._ Oi! Yeah you - any chance of a last request?

**Soldier:** Not for you pirate scum. _Walks to cell._

**Jack:** There's no need for that!

**Soldier:** So what do you want?

**Jack:** I suppose a set of keys is out of the question - so how about two bottles of rum?

**Soldier:** Well if you're gonna hang you might as well be drunk. Now don't go anywhere - ha!

_Jack and Gibbs wait until the soldier is out of sight before Gibbs reaches into his pocket and produces a small knife._

**Jack:** _Looks shocked but happy._ What would I do without you? _Takes the knife and picks the lock. With a grin consuming his face he stands up and opens the door._ After you.

**Gibbs:** _Smiles and leaves the cell._ Jack - what are you doing?

**Jack:** Leaving him a note! _Carefully balances a piece of parchment on the cross bar of the door._ Voila!

_The two men run off (not before gathering Jack's affects) but pause as they pass Will and Elizabeth's cells._

**Will: **Jack! Help us out - please.

**Jack:** Hmm…

**Elizabeth:** Jack…Don't leave us to hang!

**Will:** For old times sake?

**Elizabeth:** _Attempts to slap Will as she knows what he said will put Jack off._

**Jack:** _Nods to Gibbs._

**Gibbs:**_ Throws the knife to Will._

**Will:** A knife?

**Jack:** I know you've never been good at it, but think like me - it'll come.

**Will:** _Scowls at the knife._

**Gibbs:** We'd best get goin'. Don't take too long Will, he'll be ba-

**Soldier:** Where the - Hoi, STOP!

**Jack:** Farewell my comrades, I shall think of you al- sometimes!

**Soldier:** COME BACK HERE!

_Jack and Gibbs run for their lives, grabbing the rum out of the soldier's hands. They manage to outrun the soldier and head for the docks. They pause for breath in the shadow of a ship._

**Jack:** There she is, the most magnificent ship on the seas.

**Gibbs:** We're lucky she's still in one piece.

_The two make their way down to the Pearl. They clamber aboard and get ready to leave._

**?:** JACK!

_Jack and Gibbs turn to find Marty, Mr Cotton, Will, Elizabeth and the rest of the crew standing on the dock._

**Marty:** Need a crew?

**Mr Cotton's Parrot:** When do we sail?

**Jack:** Only if you can sail under a pirate? _Grins mischievously._

**Elizabeth:** I think I can do that.

_The crew rush on board and begin to set the sails and raise the anchor. _

_Jack stares out of the open sea and smiles._

**Jack:** Mr Gibbs! Are we ready?

**Gibbs:** Aye Captain!

**Jack:** Good.

**Gibbs:** _Slowly walks to Jack's side._ we're free Captain, what'll we do know?

**Jack:**_ Grins_. There's always time for one last adventure…

* * *

**A/N:** Well that's the grand finale. I'll be seeing you all in Davy Jones Locker. Remember - life's just one big adventure - savvy?


End file.
